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Old 12-24-2008, 09:43 AM   #1
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Trenton ONT.
Posts: 4,202

"Christmas with Louise"

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace

before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What

they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every

Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his

poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and

went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those at Wal-Mart. I

had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an

X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour

saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would

buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard,

uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I

could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was

difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line,

according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on

animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the

price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours,

long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose with

Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what

remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home and giggled for a
couple of hours The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and

left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She

would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all

agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family

could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What

the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would

play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in

mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy,

that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining

room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I

could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to

ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said,

"Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few

minutes later I noticed Granpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking,

but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last

Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was

dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded

a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the

panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The

cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across

the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her

napkin, stomped out of the room, and went out and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the

cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember

to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape,

we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party


I think Grandpa still calls her.
Rexy Masters 50+ Rec SPO 2013 Provincial Champion Durham silver Stix #21
Deerhaven Farms #8 League Team
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